me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

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When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host


Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.


There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season


I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family


This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!


Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.


[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner


Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time