the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
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if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*