me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You Might Also Like
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.