@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

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@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

@twink_mufc

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

@poizngrl

I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family

@LoveNLunchmeat

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

@MissHavisham

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@onion_an

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time