Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
You sure about that?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*