Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**