Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.