Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

You know…for fall…

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.