Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

Hank is one in a melon.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.