Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
crochet youtube is brutal
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.