Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

you could not pay me to delete this app

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world