*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
You Might Also Like
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.