Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

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Morningbreath

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Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.