ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Going into Monday like
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk