Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*