Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire