Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!