Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

We’ve all been there

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be