Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
You Might Also Like
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives