Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense