Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry