Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
This could’ve been an email.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).