Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
wut hotdog?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Beware…..
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
