Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this