Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …