me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours