Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”