ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Nothing to do, you say?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat