ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
This is I, Robot all over again
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.