ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
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IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?