Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top