[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
titanic
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*