Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all