Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

“Great, now I have to pee.”

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Fruity

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.