Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes