Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.