Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

wut hotdog?

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy