Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

☠️

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Did…did a minotaur write this

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.