Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
tell em, edith-anne
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable