Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
no cat here
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that