Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lassie, get help!

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”