Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Feels

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

shampoo implies shampee

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.