Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
You Might Also Like
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Leftovers are for quitters!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.