Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?