Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Thursday Thought.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.