Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Free him
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.