Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!