Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
ew if literal: let me be clear
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The two types of wives
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
