Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

It was worth a shot 😂

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work