Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.