Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?