Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade