Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.