ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
sweet dreams💖
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN