ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
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ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
*offers Batman cough drops*
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”