Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Sir!!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.