Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”