Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Covid like
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
This was the best day of my life
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich