Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
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Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Lassie, get help!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.