me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
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Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Super Hand Dog Face
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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