Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.