Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Love it! 👍😂

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever