me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.