Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

How it started How it’s going

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.