me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
You Might Also Like
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
New favorite tiktok
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.