me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Strangers have the best candy.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.