me and my fake scenarios
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Holy crap this is wonderful
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin