me and my fake scenarios
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I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
the rocks need my help
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me, in DM rooms…
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair