Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

LOL

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!