I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
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*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware