ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
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Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.