ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
#StillHurts
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?