ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.