Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

the saddest jazz hands ever

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

I can’t deal with men any longer

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Sniffing the broccoli

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.