Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview