ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.