ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
White parent Vs Arab parents
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
when a toddler tells a story
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.